Covid Finally Caught Me

I made it 3 full years avoiding Covid, but alas, I wasn't able to dodge those germs forever. Since I take a medication which literally states that it "lowers the body's ability to fight infections", it was a rough time for me. Safe to say it was definitely a worse experience since I have to inject myself with immunosuppressants every other week. 

At first it was scary with 103° fevers. I probably should have gone to the ER that night, but I haven't had the best experiences at the ER in my lifetime. My smart husband put ice packs on my veins and neck and took away the extra blankets I had piled on. It was miserable and about 1 degree away from causing brain damage. I was shivering so violently that my teeth were chattering. Eventually we managed to bring my temp down to 101. Then I had to be careful not to be overly active or use too many blankets. I was so exhausted yet had difficulty sleeping. I felt SO cold, even though I was actually burning up. 

ALL THE SYMPTOMS
Once the fever became less of a threat, I developed a terrible head cold. I coughed so hard I threw my neck out. My nose became raw from blowing it so often. My throat was very sore. I was also experiencing extreme body aches - I'm talking Charley Horses in every muscle group and even Shin Splints. When I would manage to fall asleep, I was woken up by the intense muscle spasms cramping up. The fatigue was next level. 

PAXLOVID
There's an antiviral medication that my doctor prescribed since I'm immune compromised, called Paxlovid. It's supposed to keep Covid from turning severe, but I wasn't able to start it for 3 days due to taking my migraine medicine the night before.

One of the side effects listed for Paxlovid is "altered sense of taste". I understood that to mean things wouldn't taste normal. Nope, it meant my mouth tasted like vomit at all times. There was no way to get rid of the rancid taste. Brushing my teeth made it worse. I figured out that sucking on hard candies helped, but I had to have one in my mouth constantly or I started to gag. 

I only made it through 4/10 doses of the antiviral. I couldn't deal with the disgusting taste any longer and besides that, the hard candies started wearing holes in my cheeks. 

YEASTY BEASTY

Besides all the Covid symptoms, I had a bad yeast infection going on that I could do nothing about. After a week of feeling like a pile of garbage, I mustered the strength to go to the doctor to get treated for that. Ladies know how uncomfortable that is to deal with.  

BACK IN TIME, POURING LIME

As you may recall, I've had colorectal surgery where they removed my large intestines and rectum. Due to these missing organs, I deal with a lot of anal discomfort in my day-to-day life. I have butt creams that I rotate to be able to function and hold down a job. I have days that are worse than others to walk. Let me tell you though, in the midst of Covid, I felt like I got thrown backwards a decade in time to when I just had my rectum cut out. Every time I pooped it felt like pouring lime juice on an open wound. (Insert screaming pain.) It felt like someone was actively slicing me open with a knife. All my remedies and creams were suddenly useless. Sitz baths were only temporary relief. My GI doctor was out of town, so it took 5 days to get in touch with her. She prescribed me a nitroglycerin gel that has lidocaine in it that I can use 3x daily. This numbs things a for a short while so that I'm able to walk without cringing in pain. I'm still dealing with whatever is going on with that, and I have a pelvic MRI scheduled this week to check for abscess. (Since I have Crohn's, that is always a possibility.) 

PRURITUS RETURNS

There have been several seasons in my life when I have dealt with something called Aquagenic Pruritus. It's an auto-immune condition where the skin develops severe itching upon contact with water. This inflammatory response causes extreme itchiness that can go on for well over an hour. The last time I dealt with this was in 2019. Usually during a flare up on this I would avoid showering...but remember how I just mentioned that baths for my booty were the only way of relieving the anus burn? Yeah, so...another Catch 22. I had to choose burning anus pain or intense itching on my skin...all while dealing with a yeast infection and all of the Covid symptoms. I was miserable. 

POST-COVID 

Its three weeks post-Covid and if I do too much physically, I have a coughing fit in the evening. I lost my sense of taste and smell for a while, which eventually returned. Even though my Covid experience was awful, I'm grateful that I dodged the earlier versions. Afterall, I caught the super mutated, less intense variation. 

It still sucked hardcore and set off a domino effect of other problems in my body. I'm doing my best to rein things back in again. Life with chronic health issues can be so frustrating. 

Being Immune Compromised During A Pandemic

Its been about a year since Covid-19 rolled onto the scene and I still can't wrap my head around the array of reactions. I assumed an infectious disease would instill caution. For a while, people were cautious, but that seemed to fade after months of feeling inconvenienced. As more time passed, it became evident that people don't often consider (or care) how their actions impact others. 

I'VE TRAINED FOR THIS
I've been living the immune compromised life since 2013. For the past 8 years I've attuned my ears to the sound of the slightest cough or sneeze in a room. Fact is, any and all viruses have the potential to become a deadly threat to my life. Because of this fact, I regard every illness with respect, and Covid19 I must take seriously. If I contract it, I'm high risk for developing severe complications and becoming very sick. This is because I have to take Humira, which is a medication to lowers my body's ability to fight infections.

So what's being immune compromised during a global pandemic like? In some ways I already felt prepared. Stay home when you're sick - already do that. Wear a mask on an airplane - yep. Wipe down groceries after the cashier touches everyone's filthy cash and items - been doing that for years. I honestly think people with normal immune systems got a dose of what its like to live in a reality where catching a disease might wreck them.

BECOMING A RECLUSE
Living in wisdom for me during this time has meant avoiding social gatherings. It has meant being strict about only seeing friends and family outdoors. Its meant breaking traditions and missing people I love. Its meant becoming a bit of a hermit for a span of time. 

SHARED AIR

Working in a restaurant these days is a dicey environment for an immunocompromised person. Simply because customers are eating and drinking without a mask on. They're talking, chewing, clearing their throat- all things that release respiratory droplets. Aerosol transmission means microscopic bits of fluid linger in the air. Have you ever seen someone sneeze in a room where sunlight is shining? Holy airborne particles!! Contaminates can be inhaled even if people are distanced 6 feet apart. That's why ventilation is super important. For the majority of the summer I worked on the patio, but once winter hit, all dining was indoors.

P.S. Wearing a mask and waiting tables when its 95 degrees Fahrenheit out= So.Much.Sweat. So much "maskne". I also tended to get a sore throat from announcing the specials loudly for customers to hear through my mask. Basically shouting for 6 hours straight. 

FACE SURGERY EXAMPLE
I've always had a short fuse for people not being considerate enough to stay home when sick. Here's a prime example of why it upsets me: During summer 2019 I was surrounded by co-workers that had a common cold. I knew I was destined to eventually end up with what they were bringing in. Sure enough I caught it and it turned into a horrible sinus infection. The infection got trapped in the walls of my head and couldn't drain. For nearly half a year my energy was zapped and I had pressure headaches. When I laid down to sleep it felt like I was suffocating. The infection didn't respond to treatments and eventually I had to have sinus surgery.

Traumatized, all because people were
too selfish to stay home when sick

That's about as fair as it gets in the immune compromised life...a cold that was just a weeklong annoyance for others required surgical intervention for me! By the way, recovering from sinus surgery is rough!!

PARANOIA AND CONSPIRACIES
This pandemic spiraled into a political mess with conspiracy theories up the wazoo! I've heard it said, "but this is how it starts. First they make you wear a mask. Next they are restricting where you can go and when. Before you know it, the governing authorities have become dictators that have control over everything!" 
Whoa, let's calm down. How do you for sure know what the future holds?

I have several friends that work in the hospital and they wish the public would walk in their shoes for a day. Then the community could see just how this virus impacts those suffering with it. Over 400,000 citizens in the US have died already, yet we are disillusioned. 

APATHETIC COMMENTS

For months I heard insensitive comments made by coworkers and friends. How "we all need to get over this virus thing and move on". Excuse me, but the immunocompromised don't have that luxury; we have to remain vigilant.  I tried not to take inadvertent jabs personally. To be honest though, it felt like people didn't care if their actions lead to my death. Folks often said, "the immune compromised need to stay home so the rest of us can get back to normal". This past year I learned how it feels when society pushes you out of the way and prioritizes their freedoms above your life.

I know people that refuse to shop at certain stores because they ask customers to wear a mask. If a business can require patrons to wear pants or shoes, they also can require a face mask. One person's choice to not wear a mask shouldn't trump another person's rights to not get sick. I didn't choose the immunocompromised life; the immunocompromised life chose me. 

In the Fall of 2020 the hospitals in my state became full (actually overcapacity) due to a local surge in cases. There was no guarantee of receiving care if hospitalization was necessary. Alas, that's when I quit my job and withdrew from public even more. Going to my job was the last sense of normalcy I had, and when I left I was depressed for quite a while. Yet I knew it was the prudent thing to do. All because at age 19 I got dealt a defective colon, which created a domino effect of health problems in my life.

ADMIRATION AND RESENTMENT
I've always admired citizens in Asian countries for wearing masks when they're sick. Its a common courtesy to protect others from germs. Ask Americans to do the same and it becomes an insult, as assault on their freedom. We throw a fit when asked to do something practical to help protect our neighbors. (Yes I'm aware that masks don't give total protection, but they sure cut back on larger respiratory droplets). We have tools to help shield us from disease, but are too stubborn to utilize them. That's the world for ya. Can't really have too high of expectations I guess. 

CHURCH HURTS
Of all the reactions I've been shocked by, the one that's dumbfounded me the most has been the response of the church. For many Christians, being asked to wear a mask has been interpreted as some form of persecution. I expected this from the world, but the church I hold to a higher standard. I'm baffled that those that ought to reflect God's love and care for the lowly seem to be more concerned with their privileges. I've been disappointed by my brothers and sisters. As an immunocompromised person, its left me bitter. 

WHAT WOULD JESUS DO
During this pandemic I've often thought about how Jesus would act. Would he be concerned about his earthly rights? Would he get upset when being asked to do something to look after the vulnerable? Answer: He would choose to love by his actions! 

AN ATTITUDE LIKE HIS
I can't help but reflect of the following passage, "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death- even death on a cross!" (Philippians 2:4-8)

In March 2020 when churches (and everything else) was shut down for lockdown, it wasn't an attack on the church. Even IF it was persecution, the Scripture tells us to "rejoice in our sufferings, knowing it produces perseverance, character and hope" (Romans 5).

VACCINE HELP
Its been a year of hard circumstances, poor attitudes and over two million deaths worldwide from a nasty virus. The vaccine is getting rolled out. In my state healthcare workers get first opportunity, then the elderly, high risk groups, and essential workers. After that the general public will be offered it. I'm grateful there's finally some light at the end of this long, dark health crisis. But I'm also left with all these angry feelings from the way people have behaved.

I hope sharing my experience of what its been like for me has offered some perspective. I know better days are ahead, but until then we must have a little more patience and be willing to think of others. Our choices don't only affect ourselves. With rights also come responsibilities.

(Part 2) Thoughts On COVID19

For several weeks I've been trying to brace myself for the impact of Covid-19. I cringed every time it was suggested to just focus on the number of recoveries. When I started writing this post one week ago, there were just above 500 deaths in the USA. Now there are over 3,500 deaths. In one week. I've sat down several times trying to write this, but struggled with how to convey my frustration with the inevitable.

Each and every person that has died from this disease meant the world to someone. Hearts are being broken and families are being devastated. Don't you dare glance past the numbers! That's 3,000 funerals caused in a single week of Covid-19's destruction in this country.

Speaking at Max's funeral - July 17, 2018

When I lost my brother in 2018, it was a big comfort to be able to assemble with his friends, coworkers and our family to celebrate his life. Unfortunately public services aren't possible at this time. It seems the dead are on hold and families are robbed of support.

At first people were uninformed about how fast this virus could spiral out of control. By now the contagion has taken root and the number of infected is blowing up. This disease doesn't only go after the old and those with other health conditions. There are 20 and 30 year old's on ventilators fighting for their lives right now and losing.

*Side note - Do you have a will? Pandemic aside, you should have one!! You can create a super basic one at freewill.com.

STAY THE HECK AT HOME

The term "flatten the curve" is the reason why "Stay-At-Home" orders are being implemented. The goal is to slow the rate at which people need care from the hospital. Unless we can spread out the number of cases over a longer period of time, there won't be enough staff or equipment to help everyone. This gives each patient the best chance at survival. 

Graduations, wedding and special events are all being postponed until further notice. Life is on pause right now, with the goal of preserving lives. It feels unfair, but we must adapt under the circumstances.

A WARNING FROM ACROSS THE SEA
When Italy lost over 700 lives in a single day to the virus, somehow it still felt unreal. We failed to see the foreshadowing from across the ocean. In the last 24 hours there have been over 700 deaths in the USA. Amazingly there are still some people thinking this is just a cold or flu. The truth is: this is a new disease that the human race has zero immunity to, and its wiping people out! Lots of hospitalizations and deaths could have been avoided if things would have been taken more seriously. I'm upset but reminded to be gracious because, after all, a global pandemic isn't something we were trained with proper etiquette about.

NEGATIVE, IN A GOOD WAY

My husband got tested for Covid-19 a few days ago. Along with other symptoms, he was having trouble breathing. Tests are scarce in our area, so the doctors did other tests before they would consider doing a swab. They wanted to rule out Influenza, Pneumonia, and blood clots in the lung. Eventually when a diagnosis couldn't be reached, they tested him for Coronavirus. Thankfully the result came back negative, but I learned firsthand what its like to watch a loved one randomly collapsing around the house because they're short on breath. I wanted to hold his hand, but instead had to maintain a safe distance.

Those that die from this virus, die without their family by their side to comfort them during their last moments. SO Brutal.

THE UNKNOWN 
There are many real concerns about the future. There's no exact time frame for how long it will take to arrive at a new "normal". People don't know how long it will be until their employer will reopen, or even IF they will re-open. Many businesses have had to close down permanently. Even people reaping unemployment benefits get a fraction of their regular income. Mine has been roughly 25% of my usual earnings, a 75% pay decrease. I know money and bills in life can get scary. Hang in there, this won't last forever.

For the foreseeable future we must take things one day at a time. Don't panic. Focus on what has lasting importance, gain patience, and take heart.

Tomorrow Is Another Day by MXPX

If you are interested in counts of the outbreak or where I got my numbers:   https://www.worldometers.info/coronavirus/

Thoughts on COVID-19

GLOBAL PANDEMIC
No matter what you think about COVID-19, you can't ignore it. Events are being cancelled, schools are being shut down, businesses are closing their doors. Its impacting buying selections at grocery stores and affecting travel. Whether you're of the opinion that this is being blown out of proportion or whether you think we're not raising enough fuss, we can't pretend it isn't happening. The term "global pandemic" shouldn't be taken lightly.

A DISEASE
Simply put, this is a highly contagious disease with no cure. Researchers are working to figure out how to combat it. Some people contract the disease, experience mild symptoms and recover just fine. Others have died from it. As with most illnesses, its affecting the elderly and those with underlying health issues the most. I take a medication for Crohns Disease that weakens my immune system. I'm in the category you don't want to be in.

SYMPTOMS
A major downside to this virus is that you can have it for 2 entire weeks before you experience any symptoms. Yep, this beast can fly under the radar for half a month before it pounces. Sources say that when it manifests there's a low grade fever, a dry cough, and shortness of breath/fatigue. Maybe you just feel a little under the weather. If the immune system can't fend it off and the virus becomes more extreme, it can cause difficulty breathing and turn into pneumonia. Pneumonia is when the air sacs in the lungs fill with fluid. Breathing can feel like drowning.

WELCOME TO MY GERMAPHOBIC LIFE
Being worried about getting sick is a new game to a lot of people. I deal with this concern literally every day of my life. Public gatherings can cause high anxiety for me. I have to constantly be mindful of the possibility that a common cold could destroy me. Its like others are finally getting a taste of what its like be ever aware of communicable diseases. I personally become livid when people don't stay home when they're sick. They are putting people like me in danger. This risk is what leads me to live a germaphobic lifestyle. 

#germaphobe

For this reason there's a few randoms I do:

-I've always preferred self-checkouts at grocery stores. The alternative being, a cashier handles all my items after touching other people's. I don't trust that the customers before me or even the cashier washed their hands after picking their nose.

-I don't share plates of food or beverages.

-I hate shaking hands.

I've longed for this fist bumping/air high-fiving trend to be the norm. Every Sunday when I'm greeted at church with a handshake, I don't extend my hand in return. I smile and say hello. I plan ahead and make sure my hands are carrying things so that I physically can't reciprocate. I'd rather not shake every single person's hand that the greeter also shook. Last month I went to my mom's cancer appointments with her, which involved meeting a lot of specialists. The doctors were traditional fans of the 'ol handshake. Luckily I planned ahead and had kept my winter gloves AKA germ shields on. Later I just threw them in the washer.

-I sanitize everything with Norwex. Silver is a natural antibacterial agent and is woven into Norwex fabric. Once the silver gets wet it suffocates bacteria on surfaces. Supply shortage on Clorox/Lysol wipes? No problemo for me because I've got Norwex!

CRITICAL CARE AVAILABLITY

The Coronavirus threat is like any other illness for me, in that if I get it, it could be more severe. The odds of needing emergency care would also be higher. However if the hospitals get overwhelmed with patients, it could be a very bad scenario. Too many cases of pneumonia+only so many breathing machines available= unfavorable outcomes. Saying this isn't far fetched because its what's happening in Italy right now. Their facilities are experiencing an influx of patients and the doctors and nurses are getting sick. There are simply not enough ventilators or hospital beds to help everyone recover. People are dying. The people of Italy made a short collaboration video to open your eyes. This is not fiction, its real life - hear them out. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMY0-4p9P-M

Its not unreasonable to be asked to take precautionary measures and stay home during this time. Do not take your kids out because of getting stir-crazy. I'm aware its going to hurt businesses. Would you rather kill businesses or people though? Your choice. 

"You can't keep waiting for the bomb to drop

and hope everything just stops

and falls in place while dark clouds roll away

you can't keep waiting for the bomb to drop

and watch the ticking clock

the hourglass, the shadows pass away"

"Bomb Drop" by Less Than Jake

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbueEZ10cB0

SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY
I live in Montana, which, as I write this is one of 4 remaining states in America that doesn't have any confirmed cases of the virus yet. I'm sure by the time I finish editing this post that will no longer be accurate. (Spoiler- no longer accurate)

I've read many articles and looked at charts comparing COVID-19 to other diseases. Conclusion: this threat is spreading fast and people are dying. Everyone has a social responsibility to help not spread this disease. All of us that are more susceptible are counting on you guys. 

SELF QUARANTINE
This ought to be something people do anytime they are sick. Not just when there's a global pandemic involved. In America we're so darn stubborn and are more concerned about a paycheck than the damage we could do to those more vulnerable. Truth is we all have bills to pay. Being immunocompromised, there have been SO many times I've suffered loss of income because I was exposed to a disease a coworker shared. Is that fair? I think not. I've had conversations with coworkers that say they feel guilty calling in sick to work...and I've wanted to scream in their faces....BUT YOU DON'T FEEL BAD COMING INTO WORK SICK AND BREATHING YOUR DISEASE ALL UP IN MY AIR?!? Inconsiderate much?! Rant over.

A PLEA FROM ME
With all the craziness and uncertainty in the world, I will say one last thing: We shouldn't give way to fear, but to wisdom. Its great to have a positive attitude, but don't be ignorant. There are thousands of lives like mine at stake. I beg and plead with you all: don't go out when you're ill. Not just during this time, but always. Let's be better people and learn to think of others first. Oh, and share your dang toilet paper if your neighbor runs out!

Here's a site with up-to-date counts associated with the Coronavirus outbreak (death toll, recoveries, etc.)
https://www.worldometers.info/coronavirus/

Where I've Been

Apparently its been over 2 years since my last post. Life happened. Happy things, sad things, things that filled my heart and things that broke me to the core. I'm still trying to make sense of things that can't be made sense of.  

FIRST THE HAPPY

Since I was a little girl I've always loved birds. They are magical, elusive, quirky creatures that I can't help but be drawn towards. My husband always said we would get one someday. The opportunity came to adopt a 2 year old Rose Breasted Cockatoo in January 2018. If you know much about parrots, you know they can be extremely opinionated. Well, this particular bird ended up being more of my husband's bird than mine. I have to work ten times harder for a friendship with this little guy than my husband has to! So unfair. This birdy has stolen both our hearts and I must say that our laughter has increased exponentially since adopting him. Their breed can live up to 80 years in captivity, but they are basically a toddler. He has to be watched closely when he's out of his cage. Otherwise he will chew on the walls, flooring, couch, basically just destroy the house. We've put a lot of hard work into parrot ownership the past 2 years since we got him. Totally worth it, but seriously sometimes I can't go more than a minute without having to fetch him from doing something naughty in another room. Since becoming a Mamabird I haven't had as much free time to write. He became my time consuming hobby. 

Another happy matter is that I've able to return to my occupation as a server. As you may recall, I had to step away from this type of  job for a few years because of how difficult it was to stay hydrated after my surgeries. It may have taken a 5 year hiatus to come up with a system that works, but I'm glad I got here!  Honestly, an 8am-5pm work schedule was destroying me in other ways that I hadn't fully realized (i.e. too many hours sitting at a desk with stressful coworkers that cast dark clouds over an office). Now I'm back to working part time and I make the same amount I did when I worked at a "real job". Boo yah!

NEXT THE SAD

July 5, 2018: I lost my only sibling in a motorcycle accident. It was one week short of his 33rd birthday. It was absolutely crushing and still doesn't feel real. He texted me within 10 minutes of his wreck. Grief is a weird process, one that I'm convinced never truly ends.

There's something special about siblings. Even if you're complete opposites, you still have the bond of having grown up together. It feels like you're supposed to experience old age together too. I looked forward to comparing how saggy our tattoos would become when we were elderly. Now I don't get to do that with him, so instead I got one for him. 

This world is certainly a lot emptier without Max and his antics. Always the life of any party, he carried a contagious, upbeat attitude with him wherever he went and in whatever he did. Whether he was deep sea diving, motorcycle stunting, or just going to work at the hospital, he was zealous about life and living it to the fullest. I made this slideshow for his memorial service:

https://youtu.be/JXXd6do2fKQ

It feels like some sort of betrayal to have to surpass the age of an older sibling. Losing my bro was the hardest thing I've ever been through. There's nothing more devastating than death. Its so cruel, so final. But man, its coming for all of us eventually. I'm incredibly thankful for Jesus and the life He gives, if only we accept his gracious hand.

On the 1 year anniversary of Max's death, my husband and I brought flowers to the location of the accident. It felt the closest I could get to him since it was the last place he was alive in this world. Nearby was my childhood home that I also felt drawn to go past. In the front yard are 2 trees that my family planted when Max and I were little kids. One of the trees had apparently been cut back; what a strange symbolism to stumble onto. 

"We Sing In Time" by The Lonely Forest

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0fxCs7sMTs

"In time the trees die and light will fade, 

but I hope for a new breath, 

a new life to take me away."

So, that's a bit of where I've been and why I've been silent for so long. More stories will come soon from this gutless girl and the medical adventures the past couple years have held.

Anchored

My first tattoo recently got a makeover. After a decade the ink was looking a bit shabby. My decision wasn't solely based on aesthetic reasons though. I in no way wanted to "cover up" the cross or its significance. In fact I wanted to emphasize it.

Throughout the years I've watched a number of Christ followers walk away from faith. It has often puzzled me why a person who held so tightly to the Lord would turn away from Him. The more I pondered, the clearer it became that these individuals were not anchored in Him. When struggles came up or personal gratification enticed them, they drifted away. They abandoned the One they had once believed was the source of abundant life. Scripture plainly states that, "to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting Him to public disgrace". (Hebrews 6:6)   Such a disheartening scenario.

Situations in life will always try to pull us away from what is most important. As result our devotion will either grow deeper or grow weaker. During the past decade I've wandered spiritual wastelands as physical disease has afflicted my body. While being poked and prodded, gutted and gagged, stitched and stapled, it was God's promises that have kept me anchored in truth. 

"We have this hope [Jesus] as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." -Hebrews 6:19

Saints Out Of Sailors by Flannel Graph

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIIcQwT2tmk

Scars 3 years post-Takedown

There's a saying that "all scars fade with time". Three years after my final intestinal surgery I agree this phrase also applies to Ileostomy sites and drainage ports!

APPROACH #1

I believe there's several approaches to dealing with chronic illness. One option would be anger. Ya know, the whole "Its not fair that I was sick for so long and had to get 6 feet of guts cut out" spiel. This attitude leaves a person constantly frustrated, and believe me, I've been there some days! The fact that my rearranged anatomy has put certain annoying limitations on my life drives me crazy at times.

I could look at my scars and let them remind of of all the sleepless nights of post-surgical pain, aching abs and aching anus (yes, I said anus). I could allow them to remind me of hospital stays spent barfing up bile, anxiety attacks and being poked with needles. I could let my scars represent the tough times. I could let them symbolize the parts of my journey that I want to but can't forget. Honestly though, that's not what I see when I look at them...

APPROACH #2
Instead of being angry about circumstances I can't control I've decided to let my scars remind me of God's faithfulness. I choose to be thankful for His goodness throughout the trials. There are SO many things to be thankful for! To name just a few of the miracles in my life...

*Surviving 3 major surgeries! Three times I had to sign a waiver before surgery acknowledging I could die in surgery, and three times I survived. Once I narrowly escaped bleeding to death after my second surgery. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for You are with me." -Psalm 23:4

*Financial provision during my years of active disease! In case you didn't know, having a chronic illness gets expensive, yet my bills have always been paid. My medical debt was reduced and/or pardoned by hospitals multiple times! "And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:19

*Healing, time and time again! Inflamed guts, torn internal stitches, eroded skin, intestinal blockages...all have been healed in His timing. "Heal me and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for You are the One I praise." -Jeremiah 17:14 

*Strength to endure ongoing physical issues! During the times when my body felt like total mush, Christ supplied what I lacked. His grace has been sufficient. "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength." -Isaiah 40:29-31 

*Never being alone! My Jesus has never abandoned me. He's spoken words of promise to my hurting soul at the times when it felt like hope was growing so dim. "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -Isaiah 41:10

My scars will forever be beautiful to me, and the fact that they're fading makes me sort of sad. When I look at where my ileostomy used to be, I see challenges yet victory in Christ. I see weakness yet God's strength. I see tribulation yet divine blessings. I see a year of pain yet a year of growth. That year shaped who I am in ways I can't understand. Who knew that waking up with a bag of poo strapped to my tummy could be so life changing!? Hahaha! My God has shown up in incredible ways! He has carried me through a myriad of emotional and physical scars which have continued to heal with time. Now that I live with a diagnosis of Crohns Disease, my scars help remind me of this...Even the most difficult journeys can be beautiful if you look at them with a heart of thankfulness.

Pulmonary Embolism

DECEMBER 2009 
Once upon a time I got a blood clot in my lung. The official name for this terrifying occurrence was a "pulmonary embolism". Thankfully when it happened I was in the best place possible: the hospital. I was literally in the process of being discharged from a week long hospital stay when the clot moved in my lung, making it hard to breathe. With a heavy weight in my chest I panicked, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe, I can't breathe." I thought I was having a heart attack! At first the nurses didn't take me seriously. (After a stressful week of IV steroids, sleep deprivation and getting poked with needles, I had become a dramatic patient.) Yet in that moment I knew something was VERY wrong. Instead of getting discharged from the hospital, I was rushed off for scans. 

A WHAT??
A Pulmonary Embolism happens when a cluster of blood suddenly blocks an artery in the lung. The blood literally clogs an important passageway. Symptoms include shortness of breath, chest pain, and sometimes even coughing up blood. Pulmonary Embolisms often arise from a blood clot that started in leg veins and moved to the lung.

HEPARIN SHOTS AND COUMADEN
The scans revealed a blood clot in my lung, which meant that I would spend a few more days in the hospital. Promptly the doctors treated the clot with a fast acting blood thinning drug called Heparin (also known as Lovenox). This medication treats and prevents further blood clots. Oh, and it causes crazy bruising at the site of injection!

Hit by a bus? Nope, just by Heparin!

Once discharged from the hospital I continued the shots from home. Actually I couldn't manage it, so I made my mom shoot me instant bruises. (Thanks, lady!) I was also put on a regimen of Coumaden (also named Warfarin). While taking these tiny white pills I was very closely monitored by a place called the "Anti-coagulation Clinic". At this outpatient center they prick your fingertips and/or draw your blood every couple days to determine what dosage of pills to prescribe. It didn't take long for me to become annoyed with the constant pricking; I was running out of non-bruised fingertips to play my guitar with!

RESTRICTIONS
There are a few rules to follow while taking blood thinning medication. 

*No spinach!* Silly as this sounds, its a serious rule to follow while on blood thinners. Spinach contains high amounts of vitamin K, which can have an interference with blood thinning medications. 
*No "dangerous" activities!* Defined as: any activity that could result in potential injury. In my case, snowboarding was banned because without my normal clotting abilities, I bruised very, very easily. In theory this meant that my brain could bleed to death if I crashed hard enough. I think the Anti-coagulation Clinic would have preferred me rolled up in bubble wrap.

Pssshaww, superheroes don't crash!

SUSPECT CAUSES:
There are several reasons that a person might form a blood clot, but I'll just list the factors I believe caused mine. ..
Strike #1: Inactivity. Prior to my hospital stay I literally lived on a couch for over a month. I was having a bad flare of Ulcerative Colitis at the time and well, IBD leaves very little time to react to toilet urges. I laid on that couch for weeks hoping that the oral steroids I was taking would kick in. (For the record the 'roids didn't turn the flare around.) It is a well known fact that if a person's legs are horizontal for too long, it slows blood flow and may cause the blood to group in the legs, which can lead to a blood clot. Dun dun dunnnn.
Strike #2: Supplemental Estrogen. As a teenager I had the WORST menstrual cramps in history and would nearly pass out from the pain. Taking birth control pills helped lessen the severity of the cramps. Unfortunately, scientists have found a link between the estrogen in birth control pills and clotting factors. 

#3. Strike #3: PICC line. 

A PICC line is a route for Intravenous (IV) access, which can be used for an extended period of time. While an IV only lasts a few days, a PICC line can last much longer. During my Colitis-related hospital stay I had a PICC line inserted into a vein in my arm. I've since learned that when a PICC line is removed, it sometimes causes a clot! This makes a lot of sense in my case; one of the final things done before to my (almost) hospital discharge was have the PICC line removed. Just minutes later I was gasping for breath. Coincidence?

HIGH RISK

Black & blue arm from Heparin shots

Regardless of what caused my P.E. I'm now labeled "high risk" for future blood clots. Research shows that once you've had one blood clot episode, you are more likely to get another at some point in life. This means that I'm not allowed to take supplemental estrogen ever, ever again. In addition any time I'm ever hospitalized I'm given Heparin injections as a preventative measure. Man, I had some colorful arms to show off during my three intestinal surgeries! I looked pretty tough...or pathetic...maybe both? 

IN THE CLEAR 
After 6 months of taking Coumaden I was finally cleared to stop taking it altogether. YAY! However I'm told that if I ever get another blood clot, I'll have to take Coumaden pills for the rest of my life! Why such strict rules?? Well guys, its not safe to tango with blood clots. Often a Pulmonary Elmbolism can lead to a stroke or permanent and irreversible damage or even death! Clots can kill a person if blocking a major artery for too long. Yikes! Experiencing a Pulmonary Embolism and enduring 6 months of treatment was a scary chapter in my life. Yet after the chapter ended, I had more reasons to praise Christ for his faithfulness in my life.

"The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To Him be glory for ever and ever. Amen" 
-2 Timothy 4:18 

Everyday Sunday "Breathing For Me"