Where I've Been

Apparently its been over 2 years since my last post. Life happened. Happy things, sad things, things that filled my heart and things that broke me to the core. I'm still trying to make sense of things that can't be made sense of.  

FIRST THE HAPPY

Since I was a little girl I've always loved birds. They are magical, elusive, quirky creatures that I can't help but be drawn towards. My husband always said we would get one someday. The opportunity came to adopt a 2 year old Rose Breasted Cockatoo in January 2018. If you know much about parrots, you know they can be extremely opinionated. Well, this particular bird ended up being more of my husband's bird than mine. I have to work ten times harder for a friendship with this little guy than my husband has to! So unfair. This birdy has stolen both our hearts and I must say that our laughter has increased exponentially since adopting him. Their breed can live up to 80 years in captivity, but they are basically a toddler. He has to be watched closely when he's out of his cage. Otherwise he will chew on the walls, flooring, couch, basically just destroy the house. We've put a lot of hard work into parrot ownership the past 2 years since we got him. Totally worth it, but seriously sometimes I can't go more than a minute without having to fetch him from doing something naughty in another room. Since becoming a Mamabird I haven't had as much free time to write. He became my time consuming hobby. 

Another happy matter is that I've able to return to my occupation as a server. As you may recall, I had to step away from this type of  job for a few years because of how difficult it was to stay hydrated after my surgeries. It may have taken a 5 year hiatus to come up with a system that works, but I'm glad I got here!  Honestly, an 8am-5pm work schedule was destroying me in other ways that I hadn't fully realized (i.e. too many hours sitting at a desk with stressful coworkers that cast dark clouds over an office). Now I'm back to working part time and I make the same amount I did when I worked at a "real job". Boo yah!

NEXT THE SAD

July 5, 2018: I lost my only sibling in a motorcycle accident. It was one week short of his 33rd birthday. It was absolutely crushing and still doesn't feel real. He texted me within 10 minutes of his wreck. Grief is a weird process, one that I'm convinced never truly ends.

There's something special about siblings. Even if you're complete opposites, you still have the bond of having grown up together. It feels like you're supposed to experience old age together too. I looked forward to comparing how saggy our tattoos would become when we were elderly. Now I don't get to do that with him, so instead I got one for him. 

This world is certainly a lot emptier without Max and his antics. Always the life of any party, he carried a contagious, upbeat attitude with him wherever he went and in whatever he did. Whether he was deep sea diving, motorcycle stunting, or just going to work at the hospital, he was zealous about life and living it to the fullest. I made this slideshow for his memorial service:

https://youtu.be/JXXd6do2fKQ

It feels like some sort of betrayal to have to surpass the age of an older sibling. Losing my bro was the hardest thing I've ever been through. There's nothing more devastating than death. Its so cruel, so final. But man, its coming for all of us eventually. I'm incredibly thankful for Jesus and the life He gives, if only we accept his gracious hand.

On the 1 year anniversary of Max's death, my husband and I brought flowers to the location of the accident. It felt the closest I could get to him since it was the last place he was alive in this world. Nearby was my childhood home that I also felt drawn to go past. In the front yard are 2 trees that my family planted when Max and I were little kids. One of the trees had apparently been cut back; what a strange symbolism to stumble onto. 

"We Sing In Time" by The Lonely Forest

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0fxCs7sMTs

"In time the trees die and light will fade, 

but I hope for a new breath, 

a new life to take me away."

So, that's a bit of where I've been and why I've been silent for so long. More stories will come soon from this gutless girl and the medical adventures the past couple years have held.