"Post Surgical Pain"

BUY 9 SCOPES, GET THE 10TH FREE! (I WISH)

I had a rough couple of days this month. My pain had been shooting through the roof! I was concerned that the ulcers had multiplied like mice, so I made my doctor do yet another scope.

Pre-scope - Hospital garb+IV (super excited)

 Side note- I kept mishearing the endoscopy nurses. Instead of, "I'm going to listen to your heart.", I heard, 'fart'. Its funny listening in the prep area beforehand because other patients are farting unashamedly and slurring their speech. Quite entertaining. 

On the flip side, when I woke up from my procedure, groggy, I did and said equally nonsensical things. 

GOOD NEWS!

Surprisingly, there was good news involved! There was not an ulcer in sight! Not one! That means that Humira is working! Because the medicine is doing its job, my small intestines are healing up, instead of making holes in themselves. Yay! 

WHAT'S THE DEAL?

So what's the catch? Well hello, if not ulcers, then what the heck is causing my awful pain??? The suggestion: post-surgical pain. What does that mean?? Well I guess if I think about it, I had a lot of nerves sliced through for surgery. I have scar tissue on the outside of my stomach, and I guess it would make sense to have some “issue tissue”on the inside as well. Who knows? All I know is my butt hurts and it hinders. It keeps me locked inside my home at night and it wrecks any ambition. And it makes come off as "flaky" to those I make commitments with.

FIX ME
An obvious question would be: can I get medicine for it? Well for what? What are we treating?? “Post surgical pain” is such a broad category! I'm currently taking a drug that can help with nerve pain, but it mostly just makes me sleepy. At least I'm sleeping awesome! I wonder if there is anyone else out there who experiences this same pain?? Eh, J-pouch'ers?? Its like the inner muscles get sore when I use them. Ugh, miserable. 

LET'S TRADE PLACES

I hate being hindered. I want so badly to be that good, reliable employee, but the odds are stacked. On my worst days I must decide to push through inexplicable pain and go to work, but some days its hard to pry myself off my couch. Other times it's easier to lie to myself than to tell the truth to those who can't understand what I live with. I want to trade places just for one day with those who don't get what I've been dealt. These people would be bosses who view absences as laziness. And friends that are fading into the background because I'm less able to be adventuresome lately. 

EYES FIXED ABOVE

Granted there are seasons with chronic illness. Things aren't always completely unbearable, but its not always an easy task to pretend I'm fine either. A constant physical burden gets a person down. It can become difficult to stay positive. Yet I fight against this despair.  I must keep my gaze fixed "on things above" and not on my circumstances. I look to Christ for strength to get me through and on the worst days, He carries me. 

I ROLLED THE DICE
I took a chance with surgery. I signed legal documents that basically said there were no promises of being any better off than before. I warmly welcomed an unknown outcome because of what I was currently facing prior to surgery. My body was destroying itself. What I live with now is a daily battle of a different type. I guess this is a reminder that there are no guarantees with surgery, heck with life in general. I get that, really I do.

FORWARD -->
Ultimately healing takes time. More time than expected. A lot more time that I have the patience for. I admit I often forget how big of a deal those surgeries I endured were. So despite current troubles, I look forward--> I await the day when I can live unhindered. --> When my coming's and going's aren't limited by pain. -->I anticipate brighter days when I am not held back by this pain in the butt any longer. --> I'm waiting for the day when I can spin in circles, dancing and singing in victory, 

"Now that you're on fire, your voice is like the wind. 

Now that you're on fire, let life begin again. 

Now that you're on fire, a new day has begun. 

Now that you're on fire, you are like the sun."

MXPX "You're On Fire"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehk614eO1Ts

"You're old enough to know it's not your fault

You're strong enough to face your darkest conflict
Now you've woken from your nightmare, and now you're fighting back
And nothing can survive when you attack
This road to healing, hurts more than anything..."

I aim to forget what is behind and strain toward what is ahead, hand in hand with my Savior through it all. 

Re-diagnosis In Retrospect

Some things simply take time. Often things don't seem awful in retrospect, despite what was once believed. Instead of complaining and being horrified at a situation, we can look backwards and somehow actually be thankful.

HOW IT ALL WENT DOWN...

After my final surgery, I had a lot of pain following my recovery. I blamed the pain on all the logical things I had been warned about by doctors. Things like “You will have pain for quite a few months after surgery.”I believed things like, “This is normal”. The problem was the fact that everything I was experiencing was NOT normal...

LOOSE STAPLE?

I realized something was most definitely wrong about 3 months after my final surgery. Sorry if this is too descriptive: I was having very sharp, pinpoint pain in my anus. I was fairly certain that one of the staples that surgeons had used to attach my J-pouch was breaking free. I could conjure up no other explanation for what felt so horrible and knife-like!

HEAR MY CRY!

After many phone calls to my doctors, I eventually convinced them to do something about it. Side note-I think that after all I've been through, I should be able to tell when something is NOT right with my own body, right?? I was frantic and doctors wouldn't seem to take me seriously! I remember literally being in tears explaining my pain to the nurses, and just being blown off and told to wait until the following week. It took a compassionate receptionist to take pity on my situation before anything was done to help me. *Ahem* Attention all Nurses- don't ever, EVER lose the love and empathy for patients, pretty please? =)

My doctors finally ordered a scope of my small intestines. 

SCOPE

When I say “scope”, I refer to a colonoscopy or a sigmoidoscopy. Both are very unpleasant procedures where a camera tube thing is shoved up the anus to map the landscape. Sometimes they put you under and and sometimes you are awake. (I always opt for sleepy time.) Oh, and I know the Endoscopy guys at the Billings Clinic by name. Kim is the coolest. =)

Process of a scope:

*Drink insane amounts of a laxative beverage and/or use enemas to empty out the guts. Both prep work leave your butt raw. =/ Super cool, fun, adult stuff. Jealous?

*A little camera goes up the back entrance ;) and navigates the intestines, pausing every so often to take pictures and/or samples for biopsies.

*There is an air blower thingy that goes ahead of the camera. Imagine a leaf blower, inside your butt. Teehee. After the procedure, the person is filled up with air. A person wakes up groggy and gassy. Hooray. 

Note-When a person has Ulcerative Colitis or Crohn's Disease, having a scope done becomes routine. I've endured quite a few, between colonoscopies, sigmoidoscopies and pouchoscopies. I have a collective total of at least NINE.

ULCER

The scope revealed an ULCER inside of me. You see, this was pretty disconcerting news, since I'd just rid myself of a condition called ULCERative Colitis. I'd had my guts removed, cut out, rearranged and stapled back inside of me to get rid of autoimmune disease, and now THIS???

It was one tiny little ulcer, the size of a kernel of corn. It hurt so terribly either because #1. It sat directly on a nerve ending (or) #2. Was on the junction where my J-pouch was attached to my anus. Either way it was excruciating and going to the bathroom was a nightmare. It felt like I was passing glass.

Anyway, this ulcer improved a bit with time and with the help of nitroglycerin cream -Yes, the stuff they use to make explosives- it was prescribed for my rear end. Hmmmm?

RETURN PAIN?

A couple months later I was experiencing the same stabbing, pinpoint pain, except at a different location. Instead of my left side, I felt it inside the right side. This time though, the intermittent pain was accompanied by a +100 degree fever. Couch-bound and in misery, I was forced to annoy the doctors once again by insisting that something was awry.

ULCERSSSSS

I had another scope done, (tally another one to the books). Much to everyone's dismay, the scope revealed LOTS of ulcers in my small intestines. I asked the doctor, “How many ulcers?” The response- “I lost count.” There was also terrible inflammation in the sinus tracts of my guts. All this strongly suggested I either had Crohn's or an infection. I was hoping for just an infection. With all my heart.

SOMETIMES YOU JUST KNOW

While waiting to get the results back from the biopsies they took from that scope, I had such a sinking feeling in my heart. I could not shake it. I was still waiting for the official results, but I already knew I had Crohns.

THE VERDICT

The results came back with an answer a few days later. The verdict was indeed Crohn's Disease. BOOOOO! Crushed and in dismay, I was forced to take responsibility for my (now again) crummy health. Besides living with the constant pain in my butt, I had to own up to the diagnosis, investigate medicines, struggle through work and carry on. After everything I'd been through, hearing this news was a pretty low blow- a forceful punch in the guts. Hahaha- sorry lame pun. Seriously though, you better believe I was upset!

LOOKING BACK

Looking back now, I am able to be thankful for a few things. Not necessarily thankful with the reality of my situation, but with the timing of things. Yes, I'd certainly be glad not to be a “Crohn-ey”, but God is so gracious with the way He aligns things. If you read about my 1^st and 2^nd surgeries, you know I had to have a colonoscopy prior to J-pouch construction to make sure I didn't have Crohn's. If a person has Crohn's, surgeons refuse to create the J-pouch. Had there been evidence of Crohns Disease at that time, my colon would have been removed, but I would have been stuck with the ileostomy bag indefinitely. And if you read about my 3^rd surgery, (before they reversed my ileostomy), I had to have a “pouchoscopy” done to make sure things looked tip top shape. That scope showed my small intestines in “pristine condition”, not an ulcer in view. I think the fact that this disease was masked was a huge blessing in disguise.

There are times when we just have to hang onto God while hanging in there! Never does He leave our side. Sometimes we just have to wait until relief comes. One day relief will come. “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” -Revelation 21:4  If you know Christ as your Savior, then you also share in this promise! =D

“When it feels like we're not headed anywhere fast, I know that Your plan's in motion, like the great Pacific Ocean...”

Ruth- Miracle Photo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xa71v8tyYQ

Things might not always make sense on this end of things, but I trust in God's goodness through the miseries of life...