Reflections

A thing or two I've reflected upon throughout this past year...

*Ahem*

* SHATTERED PRIDE - It's hard to be prideful when you literally can't sit up in bed on your own! Everything I've been through has broken me of my strong and driven self-sufficiency.

* MOST TRIALS ARE TEMPORARY, no matter how much they stink in the moment. (Non pun intended...okay maybe a little pun intended...) 2Corinthians 4:17 reminds us that "our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweights them all." I admit its not been easy to think of my trials "light and momentary", but yet here I am, looking back now. 

* A TENDER HEART for those suffering physically. Now when I see an elderly person struggling to walk, my heart goes out to them. I know firsthand how much it sucks to have your body breaking down and be powerless to do anything about it.

* THANKFULNESS, even while suffering through pain and frustration. It's a choice being thankful and it's a choice being disgruntled and whining. I didn't always choose thankfulness, but I know the attitude I choose is entirely up to me.

* DON'T EVER ASSUME anything about anyone. There were times when I needed somebody to open a door for me, because it was beyond my weight limit or because I was extremely sore. To anyone around me though, I appeared to be a healthy and capable young lass. Who woulda guessed I had just been stitched back together like Raggedy Ann? Next time you see some “kid” pushing the handicap automatic door button, don't glare because “they're letting all the cold air into the building”. Instead be a friend and open a door, bro.

* "WEIRD" - A person has no idea what weird is until they've handled their own intestines.

* WHEN SOMEONE IS HURTING, the best thing to do is just BE THERE. Don't make excuses, or have great intentions, just actually show up.

* GOD IS IN CONTROL. With choices come risks, but Christ is holding the stars in place and He is also holding my life in his hands. And oh, His love is deep and overwhelming. 

* SOMETIMES A PERSON NEEDS TO BE CARRIED. When a person goes through something detrimental, they can lose heart. A situation at hand can seem like it will never, ever, ever improve. Its easy to become beat down by the trials of life and lose sight of hope. Its in desperate times like these that others must have hope FOR them. Being dealt bad news after bad news took a raging toll on me. Three surgeries later I am so thankful for these encouraging people in my life. They helped me believe that a better future was just around the corner, when in my own heart of hearts I couldn't believe it anymore. I truly believe that the most beautiful thing a person can do for another is have unwavering hope for them. My prayer is that God will never let me forget how it felt to be so beat down, so I can encourage those who lose sight of hope.

Sometimes a person has been standing in the pouring rain for so long, they need to be reminded that the sun WILL shine again one day.

Burned down, burnt out

Trying to have faith in you,

but my heart is filled with doubt

Torn up inside, guts ripped out

hopeless hope fluttering

destroying all I am

Emotions spinning around,

changing who I am

This vicious journey

has beat me up and drug me down

How long will this go on??

I need sword to fight

armor to protect this soul

Inspiration to lead me forward

to a better place and time

I try to block out memories,

forget this path I've walked,

but these events are hanging onto me,

shaping me, reminding me where I've been.

SHOUT OUT TO OFLO!

Encouragement from the family of God helped me keep pressing on. After my second surgery I had a really special dream, which I will share with you now...In the dream I came to my Christian friends wounded. They were lifting me up and taking care of me. I don't remember how exactly they were taking care of me; I just know they were. My friends were very concerned for me in their hearts and they were praying for me. I felt their prayers helping me and healing me... I specifically remember seeing some familiar faces from Overflo (the 20-somethings bible study I attend). What a beautiful picture of the family of God and how mightily He uses prayer! Romans 12:12 “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”  Thanks Overfloians, for being prayer warriors on my behalf! The Lord loves to hear us and He desires to hear us even more.

* MY HUSBAND LOVES ME -  Jim has seen me at my lowest of lows and endured many sleepless nights by my side in the hospital.

Here he is building his "pillow bed" on the couch in my room. The nurses just kept bringing him pillows, without realizing that he already had a ton, so he built a pillow fort to sleep on! (Not that he got much sleep, but yeah..)

When I was a raging lunatic, he was gentle and compassionate towards me. He interpreted my slurred speech when nobody understood what I was saying. Jim calmed me down from panic attacks in the hospital. My wonderful friend held my hair back as I puked, and still kissed me after I threw up all over him. I am humbled by the fact that I get the privilege of being married to this man. He has shown me what it is to be loved like Christ loved the church. When he asked me to marry him, I'm sure he never imagined all that this past year has brought. Thank you, love, for holding my hand and holding me up.

4 weeks post Takedown surgery at our friends' wedding! 

*To my mom- Lady, you're the BESTEST! I know you haven't been paid enough (or at all) to be my personal cook, chauffeur, mule and secretary, but I really DO appreciate you. It must have been frustrating to sit and watch as I went through some of this junk, but I couldn't have made it without you by my side. Thanks Madre, for hauling my luggage through the airports, for cooking meals in our hotel, for pushing me around in a wheelchair, for helping me try to change my stupid ileostomy bag for like 3 hours at a time. You've put up with a lot of crap from me throughout this entire process. Thank you for being so patient and loving towards me. 

ATTENTION EVERYONE!
-To anyone who came to visit me in the hospital... (oh hey, look! Its Jill, my MN college roomate! (and our dinosaur amigo) She drove to Mayo Clinic to visit me. Yay!

-To anyone who called me or text me back after I sent a non-sensical message...

-To everybody who prayed for me...

-To everyone who's ever sent me flowers or a card in the mail....

-To my friends who came to my house and watched hours of Netflix with me because I was going crazy lonely...

-To everyone who's ever helped me carry my burdens or lent a hand...

-To those who donated money to help pay for plane tickets to the Mayo Clinic...

THANK YOU for being there for me.  

THANK YOU for your love and support. 

Your kindnesses will not be forgotten by me, ever. 

As I look back and reflect, I am grateful for all the people in my life, however invested you all are. I feel very blessed to know each one of you. 

Love, Gutless

My "healing garden" AKA all the flowers everybody sent me after surgery #2!