Struck Down But Not Destroyed

Lately I've been trying some new diet stuff that literally consumes ALL my free time. I've also been dealing with reality finally sinking in, and making some big decisions in the process.

I must admit that I could really use your prayers. Its a struggle for me to ask for help or even tell people how crummy I'm doing because I hate hate hate when everyone treats me all weird! The super concerned comments like, “Kelsie, how ARRRRE you?” get old. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the concern. =) I really do feel the love, guys. I just want to also talk about other things. I want to be able to pretend I am just fine and dandy. Seem fair? Okay? Okay.

Reality has been sinking in finally and I am coming to terms with the fact that I have Crohn's Disease. *Sigh. Just because I lived with one chronic condition before doesn't make it any easier to accept the second time around. Its been 5 months since I was re-diagnosed and I'm finally grasping what that means. It means that I did not get rid of disease. It means I'm upset. It means that nobody knows anything. It means I'll have to pay premiums on health insurance for the rest of my life due to a "pre-existing condition". It means that I get discouraged from living with hidden pain, and frustrated that I still have no clue how the heck to just keep on going. Ugh, it wasn't supposed to be like this...

This is not the outcome I had anticipated. I was under the impression that if I had my colon removed, I would be disease-free and could move ON. I agreed to trade a major organ for new health. The surgery was supposed to fix me. I suffered with Colitis (ulcers in my large intestines) for 5 years. For whatever reason, I am one of the unlucky few who are in the tiny percentage of patients who originally had Colitis, and after surgery, the disease crossed over to Crohn's, which then attacks the small intestines instead. I never wanted this. Truth is, I'd trade just about anything to be rid of this stupid, ugly, incurable disease.

Yellowcard “Down On My Head” pretty much sums things up...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhICyDSAnHY

“As life flies by I'm not sure how I'm gonna do this all again, again. So line by line I write this down and I'm just trying to find the end, the end...”

I get so sick of fighting. Fighting to be healthy, fighting to live a normal life despite the fact that my stupid body insists on falling apart. Sick of fighting to avoid the super sketchy big drugs that I'm left with to treat this disease. Tired of fighting to have hope for this earthly body. I feel like I'm always giving my 110% effort and getting nothing in return. I give my body good foods, no junk, plenty of water, sleep, etc. I try all these crazy supposed healing diets, and in return my body bleeds in ways it should not, causes pain in ways that should not be possible and continually ambushes me from the inside out. This body is a serious pain in the butt!! Literally!

Fact is I am tired of wandering this desert. I'm 25, and boy, the rest of my life sure feels like its going to take forever. I mean, gosh, how am I seriously supposed to put up with however many God-given years of disease that this body has left in it?? Sometimes I think it would be easier to stop fighting. Whoa, that came out wrong! Let me clarify what I meant by “give up fighting”... Previously to me surgery meant defeat. It meant that I had lost the colon battle and given into last resorts. Not that I regret my surgeries, but in the past that was my mindset. Surgery meant I was out of options and left with an unwanted choice. Make sense? 

Recently I've been fighting against the option of taking the hard-core drugs that remain to treat Crohn's Disease. Some days I think it would be easier to give into them. Maybe it would help get my symptoms under control, and yet I know it would still not heal me. Yes, I've heard good things about Humira and Remicade, but I also know that years down the road, I may end up on a freaking liver transplant list because of these drugs! No doctor will tell you its a bad choice though because the people that have this happen are “SUCH a low percentage”. Well guess what? I am currently categorized into another “low percentage” group from Colitis to Crohn's after Colectomy. So why would I want to risk that again?? Can you see why I'm fighting like mad? I don't want to set my liver up for disaster! I want to fight until I cannot anymore. Which sucks, because its exhausting. Its exhausting living like this.

I apologize for all my ranting. Its not easy to be this vulnerable, but this is real life stuff and it sucks. Crohns Disease sucks. 

JJ Heller's song "In Your Hands" is a good to reminder that the Lord has me in His hands and He will not leave my side through all my battles. And just because it appears that I have unanswered prayers, that doesn't mean God isn't doing mighty things beyond my own understanding. 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-F6DGGF4Qs

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. “ -2Corinthians 4:8-9