Apathy, Hope and a Doc That's a Dope

I had a doctor appointment this past week, with a new gastro-intestinal (GI) specialist. (I had to switch due to insurance providers.) It was a horrible appointment. I spent most of the appointment in  shock. Granted, I've had doctors make me cry, but usually only because they were shoving a camera up my butt or yanking a tube out of my stomach. I'd never had one hurt me simply with words. 

My advice to anyone dealing with any ongoing condition ---is to find a doctor that you get along with, who will help you fight for your health. It may take some searching, but find someone who is genuinely concerned for you. DO NOT SETTLE. If your doctor is uptight and has no capacity to sympathize...it may be time to move on! Lesson learned. 

On this particular day I realized that not every doctor suits every patient. I also realized that not everybody has hope for other people. And on this day, I couldn't hold myself together in the face of uncaring negativity. 

So there I sat, trying so hard to appear well-put-together. Every day I push through the pain of living with Crohn's Disease, but truth be told – I struggle. I've been struggling for a long time now. I'm think I'm generally skilled at living with this crappy condition, but some days I fall apart. Its been a long, ongoing, uphill battle the past 6 years. 

So, highly knowledgeable-well paid doctor, I must ask you some questions...

*Do you detect the grimace of pain on my face as you ask me to lay down on the exam table? Three separate times my abs were sliced and diced through. Almost a year after my final surgery, my abs still get sore when I depend too heavily on them. Leaning backwards causes this stress.

*Do you notice the lovely sweater that I'm wearing? 

Its form fitted and I longingly stared at it in my closet for half a year, when I lived with an ileostomy bag. My intestines came through a hole cut into my tummy. Can you imagine? 

*Do you notice how my bones stick out? I'm thin- too thin. I've been trying for years to gain healthy fat, but my body is busted. 

*As you place your stethoscope on my skin, do you consider my constellation of scars? Scattered across my stomach, hips, belly button and lower pelvis, the scars are a reminder of the battles I've lived through. 

Sadly doctor, you don't seem to notice any of these things. No words of hope come from your lips, nor any optimism. You are COLD, cold like the operating table they cut me open on. My daily burdens to you are only routine. And that which is only routine for you is burdensome to me. I am simply your income, not your heart's concern.  No sympathy is extended and no empathy is felt. You're a healthcare provider, yet you don't seem to CARE. Doctor, you are apathetic to the core. 

*I must ask- If there's  no heart behind what a person does, is it not done in vain? 

*How can you refuse to have hope?? There is always hope. Your rebuttal states that you “don't want to give false hope”. I say to you- that's an excuse. Oh, how your callous heart is a heavy weight that sinks mine! You don't understand my situation, nor do you want to. Perhaps its because it would be far too heavy to feel this thing called “compassion”. You choose to remain in your stubborn unbelief.

*I ask this to you, doctor: If you don't have hope, then what do you have? Granted, not everybody who is sick becomes well. Not everyone with a disease endures...and in the end, we all die. Clearly this life isn't forever. But if you take away hope, how do you go on? 

I can live with this diagnosis, but I refuse to live without hope. I pray God heals me, because doctor, your blind heart really needs to see a miracle from The Great Physician Himself. (Although hope is not meant to be something tangible.) Regardless of whether the Lord chooses to heal me, I look forward to being with my God forevermore. I've got the promise of heaven to hold onto. That day will come, but until then, I hold onto hope and Christ's rock solid promises.

HOPE – by Kelsie Newlin

This is hope that can’t perish,
That raises the dead
When life gets too heavy,
You lift up my head.
My refuge, my stronghold,
My heavenly king,
You lead me thru darkness
With everlasting peace.

I will not be forgotten
You’ll be with me thru pain
Trust will not be forsaken
For I know you by name.
You are the God who rescues
And comforts in distress
You’re the merciful Savior
Tho my faith goes thru tests.

You see every heartache
And give ear to my cry
Tho over and over,
I question you, “Why?”
Faith must face trials,
Be refined in the fire
For my heart to become more genuine,
to learn to persevere and mature in Him.

“Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.” - Psalm 31:24