One Year Ago - Fading Fast

One year ago I made the biggest decision of my life. I decided to have my colon removed. Life had become a battle that I was fighting daily. In one corner was my body- which was crying out for death. It was wasting away and failing me horribly. In the other corner was my spirit– which was crying out for life, perseverance and hope. I knew there were no guarantees with surgery, but I also knew I would have a shot at being well in the long run. Disease free-this was the motivating factor. My GI doc had been telling me for years, “You know, Kels, if you have no colon, you won't have colitis...” Having been sick for the majority of 5 years at the time, I was finally ready for a life-changing event-surgery. 

“Oh my gosh. I think I just decided to have an ORGAN REMOVED...Ahhhh!” [Journal entry from 1 year ago]

THREE LOOOONG WEEKS

The Mayo Clinic has this sort of protocol they have to follow with patients. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand why they have the rules they do. It was just frustrating to be wasting away and have no way to convince anyone to put a rush on the process! I had to wait 3 weeks until they could get me in to meet with their GI docs, do their pre-surgery testing, and get lined up with my surgeon. To someone who should probably just have checked into a hospital, 3 weeks was a lifetime away. I was not entirely sure I could even make it that long! Pre-surgery I was rushing to the bathroom 40+ times a day and losing immeasurable amounts of blood from a bad Ulcerative Colitis flare. I had withered away to 110 ish pounds and I was in a lot of pain. I spent my days laying on the living room floor, writing poetry and watching sell-o-vision on the tube. Anything I ate only caused painful cramping, but I still forced myself to eat rice and drink water. I was weak, afflicted, starving, sleep-deprived and oh so needy. 

Here's a comical video of what my life was like back then...The songwriter, Jordan Sweeney, also has Ulcerative Colitis. He filmed the music video himself; its a pretty accurate depiction of life during a flare of UC. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9JeZ0A7Jigw

I felt entirely helpless. I was completely depending on my God to carry me through the long, lowly days until I could fly to MN to get my diseased body part removed! The Lord was my sustainer through that time. He was faithful and True and He carried me.

11-26-11

Waiting, wasting, melting away

Holding on for twelve more days

I know its not a “fix it all”

but it can't be worse than this

Weak, frail, empty, cringing

Waking, wanting to be done with it

Tired eyes, tired body, legs so heavy

Tripping over my own feet

So, so pathetically weak

The days are blurred,

the nights much worse

How will I last?

I feel my time has passed

The sand's run out in this hour glass

burying me in the sands of time...

LIGHT IN MY EYES FADING FAST

While waiting for my surgery date to approach I was trying to keep going to work. I have no idea how I waited tables, being in such terrible shape. I guess when you live with a chronic illness, you sort of learn to block out reality, so you can enjoy some sort of normalcy in life. (Not the healthiest thing I know, but I had to work to pay my bills!) In real life you don't get the luxury of passing 'GO' and collecting $200, just because you keep on going! Sometimes we are simply dealt sucky circumstances and gotta figure it out as we go. I learned to put up a front that everything was okay, even though it was clearly NOT. I did this for a couple reasons: 

1. If I walked around all day with the attitude of “woe is me” how would that help anything? 

2. Everybody did not need to know my most personal struggles and battles. Some stuff is just embarrassing to share! For example: “Hey Kelsie, how are you today?” Should I have responded with , “Oh not too bad, I just have bleeding ulcers in my intestines, which cause me constant pain and come with the urge to rush to the bathroom. Oh, and I haven't eaten or slept in weeks.” Yeah, that would have be a great answer, huh!? 

As much as I've been able to, I have attempted to carry on with life in the most normal way possible, even if that meant wearing a mask at times. Hopefully you get what I'm saying; its not that I was fake. If someone was truly asking if I was okay, I would explain my situation. You see, I have this habit of wearing my heart on my sleeve, but I try not to also wear my butt on my sleeve. Hahaha.

MELTING AWAY

Life is one long, endless night,

without sleep, without light

Hope only flickers with spite,

as a candle dimly lit,

half emulsed in hot, angry wax

I try to relax, but I can't

because this body is under attack

Surrounded on every side,

I'm a besieged city, about to die

But the Lord reigns from His throne on high

and my defender raises His sword

He is my army, my Helper, my King

He holds His shield strong around me,

and fights on my behalf

THE DAY I LOST IT

There was one day I lost my cool at work. I must say that being a waitress, I have learned how to put up with a lot of fluff people from stupid people. Apparently though, me processing the idea of surgery + grumpy, self absorbed customers = bad mixture! Who knew? I broke down one day. I couldn't put up with one more crabby-pants blaming me for their order being wrong, when I literally had written it down. I couldn't handle one more person complaining because they forgot how to read and ordered the wrong burger. I mean, what a huge life catastrophe- cold-ish fries, right?!? There I was – at the end of myself, and I lost it. I just got annoyed, abandoned my crabby customers, went into the back, started bawling and couldn't stop. Thanks Prednisone, for the intensified mood swings! Haha ...Oh, that drug... Truly it was hard to constantly give so much of myself, when I was feeling so empty and drained.

YOUR COLORS STILL GLOW

The sun is setting 

on this dark, dark day

diminishing light 

that used to show the way

I hid from the future

until the inevitable found me,

cowering, hiding from my destiny

This inward struggle must be disguised

by a cheery attitude and a well played lie
The sun is setting in this mixed up ending

I never thought I'd see this day

Somehow I must cover up reality

I must fool you all, 

pretending to be okay,

as I crumble to pieces every day.

Yet even in this sunset,

Your colors still glow,

bringing light to these eyes,

that hold fear of the unknown

One year ago I was somehow hanging in there and holding onto Christ. I was fearful of what lay ahead, but knew I could trust Him because even when the sun sets, the view is astounding. I knew that the One who paints the sky so beautifully, was going to make a masterpiece out of my mess of a life.