Lost In A City, Lost In Life

I'm horrible with directions. "Horrible" would be an understatement. I'm that person that mixes east up with west. I'm that person who gets even more lost with a map in front of me. This directionally challenged handicap doesn't typically interfere with my daily life. However, this week its kicking my butt, because this week, I'm all alone by myself at the Mayo Clinic. I drove my car 2 states away from home, 15 hours from MT to MN. For the record, I had no problem getting here by myself; as I just followed the Interstate the entire way. :)

I'm here at Mayo for a physical therapy program that lasts for 2 weeks. The program has been intense, frustrating and stressful. I've been having 3 appointments per day, and am seeing very slow but sure progress. I'm trying really hard not to let it my frustration show and to keep my composure. Its hard to be strong when reminded so many times per day that I'm broken. Stupid busted up, confused body. UGH. I'm trying to be patient, really I am.

Being impaired with directional skills, I've managed to get myself lost driving in Rochester a few times thus far. (I'm not sure how I got lost, as the population is only 100,000 ish...I guess I'm just super special...) One time I was lost for 45 minutes, but was able to find my way back to my hotel. Tonight was a different story though. I got stupid, hardcore, totally blonde, L-O-S-T, lost. 

It all started when I was trying to meet up with a friend from college across town. Overly confident with my GPS on my phone, I figured it would be easy. It would have been easy, except for the fact that every route my phone took me on turned out to be blocked. Thanks, road construction, for being in the way of where I wanted to go. Three different routes were barricaded- Really?? Plus there was no detour indicated, just completely blocked off.

After many attempts and surprise road closures, I decided to give up on any plans, and head back to my hotel. Problem was, by this point I was too spun around to get back easily... For 2 hours I tried to get to my hotel, and after many wrong turns, and infuriating one-way streets, I was getting pretty upset. So I decided to stop stressing, and just drive until I found something familiar...which got me even more lost. Throughout my desperate attempts to find my hotel, I nearly ran out of fuel, asked multiple businesses for directions, collected useless paper maps, and even asked a police car escort me to my hotel. My breaking point came when I was escorted by a nice police man to the wrong hotel! As it turns out, there was another hotel by the same name across town, which resulted in me becoming even more lost! UGH! Oh yeah, and of course then my phone battery ran out. 

Personally, one of the most frustrating things in life is being lost. I hate not knowing which direction is the right way to go. I hate spinning in circles and getting dizzy. Tonight as I drove around completely lost for 2 hours, I realized that I feel the same way about my health struggles. It seems like I've been driving around aimlessly for the past 6 years of my life. I've taken helpful advice from strangers, I've followed people who claim they know where to go, I've tried my best to get where I need to be, but I haven't quite arrived yet. I'm making choices necessary to hopefully get me to a better place, but its discouraging to be barricaded by constant dead ends. 

Tonight at the intersection of 4th AVE. NorthEast, and 4th STREET NorthEast, (when I was supposed to be on 4th Avenue NorthWEST), I reached a point where all efforts seemed futile. I  had no choice but to pull over and have an emotional breakdown- about my directional confusion and about life. Living with this health drama gets so exhausting. Diets, surgeries, alternative therapies, medicines, I've done them all. I've gotten awfully close to "okay", but I won't ever be as normal or problem-free as others. And it sucks, and I'm working through it. I can't help but wonder if I'll always be lost, searching for the way to go? 

Jack's Mannequin - "The Resolution"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QmIhKF1BqCg

"There's a lot that I don't know, There's a lot that I'm still learning. When I think I'm letting go, I find my body it's still burning...

....Yeah I just need light, I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution"

Waiting for resolve, some day I know I'll have it....